The critic believes being hard on you will make you better, be better.
It only creates stress, self-doubt, and burnout.
The ally knows you are enough, fuelling courage, motivation and confidence.
The critic is judgmental, fixated on what is wrong.
The ally is discerning, understanding the whole picture.
discernment /dɪˈsɚnmənt/ noun
Britannica Dictionary definition of DISCERNMENT
: the ability to see and understand people, things, or situations clearly and intelligently
We can’t get rid of the critic.
We can have the ally become the main voice we listen to.
We can have the ally show up sooner when the critic sneaks in.
The Inner Critic
The critic believes it’s helping you.
It comes from your survival brain, it’s literally in your brain.
It thinks you’ll die if you don’t try harder, and make everyone happy.
The critic is misguided, most things we do now aren’t life or death.
You will survive. You don’t need that level of protection.
You can train it, you can’t get rid of it.
Thousands of years ago, listening to that voice meant you didn’t get eaten, exiled, or starve to death. It’s trying to keep you alive, but it doesn’t know how to help you live.
The critic doesn’t scream insults at you, it sounds helpful and responsible.
“Don’t leave work at 4:30, your boss will think you’re slacking. Better to stay late and prove yourself.”
“Go to the cousin’s wedding. I know you don’t want to, and your husband isn’t even close with that side of the family but if you don’t go, you’ll disappoint the family.”
“Don’t even walk into the gym. You said you’d go three times last week and you didn’t. Start next week instead, you’ll be ready next week.”
“Wait until the kids are older. Once the project is done. Once life settles down. Then you can take care of yourself.”
The critic makes you feel like shit, keeps you overweight, out of shape, exhausted and on the hamster wheel.
The critic convinces you that your worth comes from over-delivering,
hyper-achieving, keeping everyone else happy, and being perfect.
We lose ourselves.
Who am I? I don’t even know what I want, need and enjoy?
It is impossible to satisfy the critic.
They will always and only be looking for what’s wrong with you.
You should have done better. You need to do more. Bet better.
You aren’t smart, pretty, strong, skinny or rich enough.
When you get there, the goal posts move.
You will never be enough if you keep believing to the critic.
Your number one job with the critic is to notice when it shows up.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked.
Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” — Louise Hay
The Inner Ally
Your number one job with the ally is to find it, and stay connected.
Your worthiness is a given says the ally.
The ally gives you encouragement, compassion and grit to face hard things with courage.
The ally enables you to sit in the discomfort of hard conversations and speak your truth, the strength to do the shit you are scared to do, and get back up when you fuck it all up.
When you listen to this voice, you get resiliency, motivation, self-acceptance, authenticity, confidence. PEACE.
The ally knows how you can make time for yourself and what you need to fill your tank, so you can set boundaries, kick some ass, and yes, still show up for others and do your best.
The ally says:
“Yes, it’s hard. You can handle this. Break it down. Take one step.”
“You made a mistake, you’re imperfect, it’s okay, it’s part of being human.”
“Take the time for yourself. The more alive and energized you are, the more everyone else benefits.”
“Let’s fucking go. This is your life. You are magic.”
The ally gets you out of your comfort zone, and has your back when you don’t know what the hell you are doing.
The ally doesn’t deny that shit gets hard.
The inner ally knows what you are made of.
The ally loves you unconditionally.
It won’t let you off the hook, it won’t let you get complacent.
It will simultaneously love you and drive you.
Your inner ally is hard core and compassionate. Well, mine is.
It’s the steady voice reminding you that you’re resilient, resourceful, and enough, always, even when you mess up, when you fall off track, when you disappoint people.
The ally celebrates your wins, laughs at you (with you, lol), acknowledges your strengths, your superpowers, your beauty, your magic.
Once you find your inner ally, the work becomes staying connected.
Keepin’ it Real
It’s not about silencing the critic forever. That voice will always be there.
It is about noticing the critic, and calling on the wisdom of the ally.
It is about tuning into the ally day to day.
The ally is like your core.
If you want it to automatically engage when you are lifting a random heavy box, you have to spend time intentionally flexing the muscle.
AND if you stop doing the reps it will atrophy.
Sign up for next Friday’s live session with me for on turning down your critic, while turning up your inner ally.
Learn more here: Live Coaching Sessions
