How to Stop Negative Self-Talk (Part 2 of 3)
Learn how to stop negative self-talk by recognizing its character and core beliefs.
In case you missed Part 1/3:
Who triggers your critic? When? What does it say to you ?
Read it here → How to Stop Negative Self-Talk (Part 1 of 3)
Challenge:
Picture Your Critic & Understand it’s Beliefs
Visualize your inner critic. (Trust me, it’s science.)
Understand why your inner critic thinks this negative self-talk is helpful.
Why It Matters
Because sometimes we don’t even realize the negative self-talk is what we are listening to.
It’s like when you drive home, and realize, shit, I don’t remember driving home, yeesh.
Visualization gives you more power to spot it and stop it. That’s just science. A word plus an image helps us remember something better than just a word.
When you have an image of your inner critic, you are making the invisible, visible. This helps with the habit of catching it.
Seeing your critic, creates distinction between you and the negative voice in your head. That’s metacognition (fancy, I know), it’s the ability to notice your own thinking.
Understanding what your inner critic believes helps you see you don’t have to buy into it. Those beliefs are limiting, fear-based, and may have kept you safe as a kid, but you don’t need them anymore.
What To Do
Characterize it. If your critic were a person/creature, who is it? What does it look/sound/feel like?
Decode it. What does that voice believe it’s protecting you from, and why does it show up?
“The inner critic doesn’t disappear,
you just learn not to hand it the microphone.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert
How To Do It
Find the Picture of your Critic
(10–15 minutes)
Step 1 :
Think of moment when your negative voice took over, was harsh, 10/10.
Step 2 :
Imagine who or what in the actual fuck would say those things or make someone feel that way?
Think of villains from movies, or real life.
Exaggerate a mean girl, teacher or creature from a book or your imagination.
Think of a location, weather pattern or animal.
Examples from my real life clients:
Cruella Deville, Dementor, Principal Trunchbull
Condescending Bartender, The Sarcastic Judge, The Drill Sergeant
Foggy swamp, Hurricane, Caged dog.
Step 3 — Get a little more specific.
When you picture them:
Where are they? What are they wearing? What is the look on their face?
How do they move?When you picture the environment:
What are the colours? The smell? The temperature? The textures?
My personal example: One of my critics is Cruella. She’s glamorous, icy, and deeply afraid of being wrong. I myself in crouched in a corner and her yelling at me. Her mantra: “Stay small. Keep quiet. You don’t know what you are talking about, you don’t matter. If you speak up, you’ll regret it, you’ll be in big trouble.”
BRUTAL.
How To Do It
Find What Your Inner Critic Believes
(15 mins - 30 mins)
What your critic believes is driving your thoughts.
If you believe sharks are bad and scary, the voice in your head will tell you to disagree with anyone who loves them, it will tell you to stay out of the ocean, and be very worried if you go in.
What is believed is important to understand.
Step 1: Think of a situation when your inner voice is negative.
Times when you are stressed, anxious, worried, comparing, avoiding a conversation or phone call, procrastinating, saying yes when you wanted to say no. What was your negative voice saying?
Step 2: Get Objective.
Imagine you are watching this situation on a movie screen.
OR
Imagine your kid or someone you love in this situation.
Step 3: What is the person in the scene thinking?
Examples:
I have to say yes, or else I’ll make them feel bad.
I always screw this up. I’m such a failure.
I hate myself. What is wrong with me. I should have tried harder.
I can’t say anything. I’m such a bad mom.
I have to be perfect. I don’t fit in. I’m not successful enough.
Step 4: What are they afraid of?
Disappointing people.
Failing.
Being wrong.
Making a mistake.
Not being perfect or the best.
Not fitting in.
Getting in trouble.
Being rejected.
Being seen as weak, or dumb.
Step 5: What will it mean if the fear comes true?
What is the negative outcome if the fear comes true?
You will be homeless (literally a client identified this).
You will be alone.
You don’t matter.
You are not enough.
You are not worthy.
You are bad.
You are unloveable.
Step 6: Name the belief that drives your inner critic.
FEAR + OUTCOME OF FEAR = BELIEF
Use this formula to name your belief.
If I (STEP 4), then ( STEP 5) = CORE NEGATIVE BELIEF.
EXAMPLES:
If I disappoint people, I will be alone.
If I get in trouble, I am a bad person.
If I am not perfect, I am unloveable.
HERE ARE SOME BELIEFS I HAVE HEARD FROM CLIENTS:
My worthiness depends on people liking me.
If I don’t put them first, or do what they need, I will be rejected.
I will be abandoned if I don’t take care of everyone.
Talking about what I am good at is arrogant, I wont be accepted.
If I speak up, or share my opinion I’ll get in trouble.
If I am not in control, everything will fall apart.
I can’t do anything right, I am a disappointment.
If I am not the best, I am not good enough.
Showing my emotions means I am a weak person.
They are going to find out my truth, it will be ruin me.
My personal example: Cruella
Situation: Anytime I think about doing a video for social media.
Thoughts: I don’t know how to do this. I hate doing video. I’m stuck.
Fear: Being imperfect, looking like I don’t know what I am doing.
If the Fear Comes True: I will be irrelevant. No one will listen to me. Nothing will happen, I won’t have any impact. It’s pointless.
Core Belief: If I am open and vulnerable, it won’t matter, I won’t matter.
BRUTAL.
The Goal
Visualize your critic.
Know what beliefs are driving your negative self-talk.
The Result
You’ll start to see the difference between the critic and the truth.
You’ll stop making decisions based on how the critic makes you feel.
You’ll start to consider what beliefs you would like to have when you are in
Stay tuned.. Coming Next (Part 3/3)
1. How does the critic make you behave?
2. What is it costing you?
3. What to do when you hear the critic.
(Shameless-but-useful plug)
✨🚨 “I know what to do, I’m just not doing it.” Sound familiar? That’s why I’m testing The Accountability Club.
October is a free beta. One month. One focus. Bring yours.
I am hosting weekly check-ins and you’ll get momentum, support, and cheerleading (with gentle butt-kicks).
Join here → [Accountability Club]
Thank you Mary, I really liked this!^_^